Oliver

Hello Oliver
It was cool how you wrote about the birds and the insects. I wonder why you thought that the castle was fancy? J F

Cairo

I enjoyed reading your descriptions of people. Could you tell me what the castle looked like? J F

Haley

Hi Haley.
I can't wait to read your next piece of work, I have been checking to see if it is up yet. I am really keen to see what happens with your characters and who the wicked person or persons are. I wonder is that seaweed still smelling like roses? I wonder too if the jewels are still safe? I think I will also take another look at those shops when I am next in Wellington, I am a bit worried about the ground holes under them now.
AC

Slade

Hi Slade, I really liked your first sentence about the water being like oil. Great idea. Check your next sentence, did you miss a word out? I wonder what father bird is going to do? Is there anyone else in father birds family?
mk

Hayley

Hi hayley what a great start to your story looking forward to more. Do the unicorns live on a big rock or do they turn into MERUNICORNS keep up the good work!!!

Aidan

Hi Aidan
I really liked the way you began your story by starting to describe the spooky island. I haven't got a picture of this spooky island yet. Could you describe it more what is on the island that makes it so spooky.

Deon

Hi Deon
I really liked the way you have explained how the ships can only get to the island from one spot. i wonder if this will be important for your story. I wonder what Tia the Kea looked like as a disguised captain. Can you explain more.

Slade

I liked the way you said the water was as flat as oil and how you explained that a bird gets sea sick. How strange. I am wondering now what the birds are going to do to make your story exciting.

Cairo

I really like the beginning of your story. i can picture the castle with the soldiers guarding it. i can't wait to hear more about the story.

Jack

I liked the way you have begun to describe your cave as your setting. I wondered if the bats might be guarding the bones or maybe there is something else in the cave up in the mountains.

Jared

I liked the way you have described your spooky cave. It sounded like that was going to be the main setting in your story. But I'm a bit confused now about dead town and why you are in the story. What is your character?

Jean Paul

I really liked the way you began to describe the king. I a bit confused about how the castle is an enormous mountain and what might the castle have to do with the animals and mountain setting. Could you please tell us more about this.

Kaleb Lee

I liked the way you have begun to describe your vicious spooky forest. I wonder what the trees and plants would look like to make it so vicious and spooky. How come the little bird lives in nice land but you were talking about the spooky forest. Is that where the little bird will go because of the mean little girl? Why did the mean little girl chop down all of the trees?

Liam

Wow Liam I can see the cave you are describing and I can hear the bats wings echoing. What a good description. I alos liked the way you said the treasure was glittering in the cave. I can see the bad guys are going to get the treasure but how did they know where to go and who is it that saw them. Could you tell me more about who the good characters are.

Matthew

I like the way you have told us how friendly the bird Tia is. I can't picture in my head yet though. Could you describe her more.
I wonder what is going to happen next.

Nevyn

Gosh you have a lot of characters in your story. I am getting scared just reading about the cave - it sounds really creepy. I am wondering what might happen next. because I don't know which characters to follow. Would it be easier to pick one or two main characters to help you with your story plan.
I am looking foward to reading more.

Oliver

I like the way you have described your setting.I can see the branches like hands cool.
I am getting worried for Snow White because the queen doesn;t sound very nice.
I wonder what is going to happen next.

Royce

Hi Royce
I liked the way you have explained how to get to the Penguins kingdom.
I'm a bit confused about why the penguins slap people because they don't bring toys. Are the penguins your evil characters or are the people.
Can you explain your characters a bit more for me to understand your story.
Thanks

Abbey

Hi Abbey
I liked how you have described the trees that have fingers that grab people .. spooky. I really liked the way you also described the kea who is the hero.
I am a bit confused about why Ugly Lake wants to kill Sleeping Snow. Can you explain more about that for me. Also could you describe those two characters more so that I can picture them in my head.
Thanks

Haley

I liked the way you have changed parts of your first piece of writing. I can now really picture your sea castle. I love the way you say it smells like roses because it makes me think of the sweet smell of roses and not salty seaweed.
I sounds like Melisha is a very lucky mermaid who has some good friends.
I can't wait to read some more.

Natalia

I liked the way you have described your cottage I can really see the vines and smell the pine around it.
I was wondering if the scientist is a bit like a wicked witch. Is he your evil character or good one. I look forward to reading more.

Allure

Wow you have a lot of things happening already in your story. I can picture all of those yummy vegetables in the garden growing so big.
I'm a bit confused about why the dragon looked ill because he didn't have his hat. Can you explain it in a way that I can understand that part of your story. Thanks

Ashton

Hi Ashton
I like the way you have described the pink forest and the lake for the rainbow fish in the forest. I am beginning to picture the unicorn running through the forest. I am also getting worried about what might happen in the spikey grey castle if the unicorn and rainbow fish go there.
Very exciting - I can't wait to read more.

Hana

I really like the sound of Magic. She sounds very mystical.
I am looking forward to reading more of your story.

Hayley

Wow you really know how to make someone look really beautiful. Mia sounds lovely.
I was wondering why the king and queen are unicorns and how do they live in the water or on mermaid rock. Can you tell me more.
Thanks

Kataeya

Hi Kataeya
I liked the way you have talked about the which. I was wondering what does she look like and what is she making her potions in?

Sarah Jane

I like the way you have described your forest. I can see how the branches might look like hands - very cool. I can also see the streamers across the queens room.
I can't wait to see what the queen is going to do next.

Starsha

Hi Starsha
I like some of your story where you are describing the forest especially the bit about 'chill through their bodies'. I can almost feel that chill.
I got a bit confused though because you talk about a step-mother and I don't know whose step-mother she is. Is it your main characters step mother (who is the main character?).
I am looking forward to your next set of changes in your story.

Vanessa

I liked the way you have made some changes to describe the kingdom and your evil witch character. I am looking forward to seeing how you bring in what the evil witch is going to do and who she might be horrible to.

Nevyn Tamaki Rangitonga

Hi babe,

Cant wait to read your findings on Fairy Tales
M.N.T.

Hi Slade

Hey bud, I was trying to read your story but mum must be missing a program because I could't open your file. I will have to check in with Mrs Mitchell to tell me what to do on another day. looking forward to seeing your story!
MK

Aidan

Hi Aidan

I was really looking forward to reading your fairy tale that you had written, but you had not finished it. I can't wait to read the finished product.

Have a nice day.
Mum (CP)

Haley

Hi Haley ...
I love the start of your story about the underwater kingdom of Wellington. I was most impressed with all the characters, colours and smells. I have never seen a rainbow shark ... but I guess I'll have to go to Wellington and check them out. I am not sure that I understand about the Steel Grey castle that looks like seaweed? Looking forward to reading some more about Tia, Liam, Melisha and friends.
Love Aunty Jo

Writing Naratives introduction

Welcome.
Please give children suggestions about what they might be able to add to make the setting more interesting or easy to visualise.The children would appreciate it if you could be quite specific, so that they can reflect on your suggestions.The more feedback the students get the easier it will be for them to make changes in their work.
Please put the name of the child in the title and your initials at the end of your comment.
If you are unable to read the 'pdf' file below the child's name, you may need to download Adobe first. click on the word Adobe to go to the website.
How can you help with their writing?

We are focusing on writing a descriptive setting.
read it and try to visualise the setting.

Comments: Give a positive commentMake a suggestion
"I like the way you have described the ..., I can see ..""Could you explain a bit more about ..." Or " I'd like to see, feel or hear more about what the setting (be specific)