ashton

have you nearly found your way home. i am missing you heaps. i found a photo of you and me at the San Diego zoo. i want you back because you are a cheeky Kea. See you soon.

Ashton

I would love to know what happens once the rainbow fish turned into a rabbit. have you finished your story? I would love to read the finished copy.

Ashton

Hey Ashton,

finally i got into the blog to type. Yahhh! Your story is very good, it is quite a complicated story line. I love your wiki page it is looking very cool. S.M

Royce

Im a bit confused about why the witch is throwing stones at Tia. Could you please explain that more please?

Vanessa

Wow what a great story this is turning into. I would really like to know what the wicked witch will get up to. I wonder how Tia got to be with the witch when Tia is so good and the witch is so mean. Will you be telling us whether the twins are boys or girls and what their names are?
You have used some fantastic descriptions, I can picture the Kingdom and the water and rocks and the witches house sounds scary. I wonder what will happen next?

Matthew

I really enjoyed your story. You have used some great describing words. My favourite description was of the witches cobweb hair - that made me shiver! The ending made me laugh alot. It was very unexpected, which makes it fun to read. Well done. Your final paragraph needs a little more editing to bring it up to the same standard as the rest of your story presentation. I will be interested to see what Title you give your story.

Hana

You have created a complicated story line. I like the way you have described the scary octopus and that he becomes friends with your story's main character because they help each other. Could you explain more about the bad witch and why she wants to poison Magic? You get a little lost in the middle of your story and it is a little hard to follow there. Your last paragraph is good. It explains what happens to Magic and that she can live again. It would be good if you could break that paragraph into smaller sentences. I look forward to reading your update.

Kataeya

I really liked the way you have created a fairy tale that keeps the reader interested. I am wondering how Tia is going to save the tuatara.

Kaleb-Lee

You have some great ideas in your story. You seem to have got a bit muddled in the middle of your story. Would you be able to explain what Meanirva is doing that makes her mean?

Hana

I like how you have created an underwater world. I was getting a bit confused about Magic and who was trying to get her. you have a lot of characters to keep up with.

Matthew

I really like your story. You have made it very exciting and interesting. I wonder what the witch will put in the next potion and how she will get Tia to have it?

Allure

I llike the way you have used a lot of descriptive language. I noticed that your fairy tale should have a New Zealand theme with native creatures and I wondered are your New Zealand parts to the story. I am looking forward to some more of your story - will it still be Jack in the beanstalk or will you change it more with native characters?

Nevyn

I really like the way you have described the crowed eyed tuatara. I am wondering how the Skeleton King is going to follow the tuatara and how he will get the treasure back.

Haley

I like the way you have added a lot more information to your story and that you have more than one problem. I am wondering about the part where you said Melisha was too late and didn't kiss Camren then you said he woke because she kissed him. Can you check this bit.

Hamburger squash - Yum it sounds very interesting.
I really like the way you have used more native birds to help save Melisha. Good on Tia for being so clever.

Royce

You have made some interesting changes to your story. I like the way you explained why Tia wanted to be just like the shiny bull. I'm still a bit confused why the bull wanted to kill the cow. I also wondered if Tia's dad turned back into a penguin. Did Tia get her voice back when the witch died? Did Tia realise that she shouldn't want to change into some thing else?

Abbey

Hi Abbey

I liked the way you have added why Ugly Lake wants to kill Sleeping Snow. I was wondering though if Ugly Lake was going to try something else to kill Sleeping Snow. Also I wondered why you chose Sleeping Snow for her name I think I was expecting something to happen to her and she would go into a deep sleep?
I hope you will add some more.

Starsha

What an exciting story Starsha! You have created lots of different places (some really scary stuff) and lots of characters. To make it even easier for the reader to keep up, I suggest you reread some of your sentences and make some of them shorter and add a few small words where you have missed them out. This will make it even more enjoyable for others to read. I look forward to seeing how your story develops and what the wicked stepmother does with her potion. - Mum

Starsha

Hi Starsha

I like the beginning of your story. I can picture a lot of the characters and what they are doing. I am a bit confused though about the evil stepmother and how the unicorns knew she was trying to get their beauty and what she was going to do to steal it. Also how did the guards know what to do to kill the evil stepmother?
I am looking forward to reading how you are going to solve these problems.

Kataeya

I really like the way you have explained how the potion was going to work on the Tuatara. I am wondering how Tia knew what was the right medicine to help the Tuatara. Rosanna really is mean and nasty isn't she.

Hayley

Hi Hayley

I like your story a lot. Can you tell me if it was Rosella that got presents from the unicorns or was it Mia? Also what do you mean by the sharks had to back off? Were they going to do something awful to Mia or were they encouraging her to ignore her parents?
I am looking forward to reading how you finish your story and solve all of Mia's problems.

Ashton

I was wondering why the alarm went off and if it was to wake the guards? I also am a bit confused about which room the unicorn and the rainbow fish were in when all of the guards arrived. Could you please explain this bit more to help the readers understand your story.

Allure

I like the way you have mixed different fairytale characters together in your story. I was a bit confused near the end because you said the wife was talking to the king but then you said he was at the dragons spooky cave. Can you explain this a bit more.
Thanks

Natalia

Hi Natalia

I really like the way you have describe Tia and the Pukeko. I can't wait to read more.

Liam

Hi Liam

I have been reading your story but I am getting a bit confused. Would you be able to check it and explain it a bit more clearly.
Thanks

Kaleb Lee

I like the way you have created a clever name for the mean girl, Meanirva. I wondered why Meanirva chopped down the trees? I am also wondering where the little bird will go to now -is it going to where the Makawai is?

Cairo

Wow Cairo

I like the way you have made the sharks and crabs come alive by getting them to help her. I also liked the way I can picture the princess begging the shark not to eat her.
I am wondering if the princess will guess the right password or will she have to go away and try to find out what it is?

Aidan

Hi Aidan

I liked the way you have said that Dave and Tia are friends trying to trick the witch. I was wondering how Dave was able to tell the witch he would do anything to get to the island. I'm looking forward to finding out what tricks the witch will do and how Dave and Tia will make her vanish.

Deon

Hi Deon
Its great to see you have added more to your story.
I was wondering how Kelli knew that Tia had gone to the cave with the treasure in it?
I was also wondering how Tia was able to catch the treasure then Kelli caught it too?

Royce

Hi Royce

What a fantastic story you have written so far. I'm not surprised that you have used a penguin being as you like them. It will be interesting to read more about why the witch is throwing stones at Tia. I am looking forward to reading more of your story.
Keep up the fantastic writing,
Mum xx

Aidan

Wow Aidan you certainly have done a lot of work on your fairytale.

What an interesting fairy tale you have written. I did get a little bit confused because you seem to have repeated yourself about Tia going on the boat. Perhaps you can re-read that part and remove the part you have repeated.

What a neat idea to have treasure on a spooky island. You have described the island well and I can picture the spooky dark island when I am reading your fairy tale.

I look forward to reading what happens to the people from the museum when the pirates set their trap.

Enjoy your day. Mum (cp)

Starsha

I am enjoying your interesting story. I have been wondering who your evil character was and how you were going to introduce them. I hope you will be adding more to explain more about how the stepmother was going to getthe unicorns beauty.

Hayley

I am finding your story very interesting. I like the way you are creating a lot of mystery in your story. I wonder what will happen next and how your merunicorn is going to use her powers.

Hana

Wow
Im really hooked on your story. I like the way you have described what ingredients Rosalia wanted the bats to collect. Very interesting and a bit scary. I also liked how you have said the witch will lose her powers. Im a little bit confused about who the prince is trying to save.

Haley

Hi Haley
Im really enjoying your story. I like the way you have been describing your characters and the problem in your story. I was wondering if you realised you have said that the witch voice sounded Bellas then you said the witches voice wasnt the same.
I can't wait to read some more.

Matthew

wow Matthew

I like the way you have added a lot more information. I was wondering how the witch knows the potions wouldnt work - did she try them on something else? It sounds like Tia has made some very good friends. I also wonder how they are going to protect her?

Cairo

Hi Cairo

I like the way you have introduced your beautiful princess. I am now wondering what is going to happen to the princess.

Slade

I like the way you have described the father bird. I am wondering what is going to happen because he has forgotten the long line.

Aidan

hi Aidan

I have been reading your changes and see you have lots of people in it that dont like the island. I was wondering why the island is so spooky? Has something happened on the island and everyone knows about it???

To the Writers

Thank you for sharing your stories online. You have got me hooked on reading every one of them. I am very impressed with the changes some of you have made and I am wondering if the people that have given you some suggestions have helped you with this?

A friend told me to go online to read your stories and I thought I would just read one or two but when I clicked onto them I thought "Oh my gosh these are great, I need to read more."

Please keep adding to them because I want to see what happens next in everyones stories. You are becoming very good writers.

Haley

Hi Haley

I liked the way you have now described your underwater sea castle. I can also picture Melisha's lovely room and am wondering if this is an important part to the story.
I love the sound of the rainbow shark and rainbow fish. It must be a very colourful place to be around. I am wondering if the colours in the water are going to become a problem in your story or are they part of some amazing solution.
I look forward to more of your story online soon.

Abbey

Hi Abbey

I liked the way you have described the setting where Sleeping Snow lived with the seven Kea.
I am not sure how the trees knew that Ugly Lake wanted to kill Sleeping Snow for being so beautiful. Could you develop this part of your story more so we can get more of a picture of it.
How did Sleeping Snow also know that Ugly Lake wanted to kill her?

Royce

Hi Royce

I liked the beginning of your story where you described how Tia wanted 4 legs and asked the witch to help her and also how Tia would have to give up her voice to have the four legs.
I'm not sure why you have introduced the cow - is the cow the reason Tia wants four legs?
Why does the other cow need to marry the other cow? I'm a bit confused about this bit.
Also why would the witch want to throw rocks at Tia.

Perhaps in your next piece of work you have already thought of the reasons so I look forward to reading the next part of your story.

Oliver

Hi Oliver

I liked the way you have described the castle and how the Queen thought she was the most beautiful of all. I wonder what see looked like when she was 'furious'? What would her face look like then?
I also wonder what she will do next?

I can't wait to read more.

Nevyn

Wow Nevyn

I love the freaky crow eyed tuatara. I also like the way you have used things in the cave to explain how the Skeleton King got out of the cave. It is very exciting and I am wondering how the Skeleton King is going to get the treasure back and what he is going to do with it?

I am looking forward to reading more.

Natalia

Hi Natalia

I can picture the cottage in your story. I wonder why the scientist is doing lots of experiments and what the animals have to do with these experiments.

I am interested in seeing which fairy tale this story reminds me of.

Allure

Allure

I have been wondering what is going to happen next in your story. I can really picture the setting and am beginning to understand a bit of the problem but I think the readers need more information.

I am looking forward to reading your next part of the story.

Matthew

Matthew

I am interested why Tia's friends are all very small. What is the main idea of your story? Who are the main characters and what is the problem?

I am looking forward to reading your next piece of writing.

Ashton

Wow Ashton

I love the sound of 'that dreary castle'. I wanted to know more so I kept reading. I was beginning to get worried about the unicorn and the rainbow fish. What did they see inside the castle when the evil witch was away? How did the rainbow fish nearly die from being pushed? Did it fall into something poisonous or onto something sharp? Why did the unicorn have a hissey fit and what did the hissey fit look like?

What is the witch going to do when she gets back?

Liam

Hi Liam

I really liked the way you have started your story. I can picture the cave and I can see the diamonds sparkling in the cave. I was wondering if the bats are going to help protect the treasure from the bad guys. I was also wondering how the thieves found the cave with the treasure in it?

You have lots of characters in your story and I wondered if it might be easier to write about only three or four of them as the good and bad characters. What do you think?

Kaleb Lee

Hi there Kaleb Lee

I liked the beginning of the story where you described the vicious forest and I think I can almost see a spooky forest but I'm not sure why the forest is vicious yet. I'm wondering why the mean little girl is chopping the trees down - is she wanting to sell the trees? Does she want to destroy the forest and the environment? Will she try and chop down the spooky forest? Have you got a hero that is going to save the forest, the birds and the animals?

Lots of questions I know but I am looking forward to seeing how your story is going to develop.

Hana

Wow Hana

You have written a very interesting and descriptive story. I was wondering what the connections was with the sea queen and Rosalia the evil Sea Emporess so I liked the way you have explained that further in your story well done.
I am getting a little bit confused about the big bad octopus and if he will come back into the story as a main evil character or a good one because you have used him as part of your story title. He was also a good character I think so I'm not sure why he is called the big bad octopus.

Jean Paul

Hi Jean Paul

I liked the way you have made the changes to your story that explain your setting better. I was wondering how the goldfish got to the stream. Did it swim up through the rapids of the river that the stream flows from?
How did the witch know the goldfish was there and why did the witch want to kill it?

I am looking forward to reading your next part of the story.

Jared

Hi Jared

I like the beginning of your story. I can imagine the cave with the bats in it and there being lots of bones sticking out of the walls and the floor of the cave. I was wondering why you can see a dead town. Where is it and is it important to the story? Do you have to go through it to get out. How did the guardians find the cave? What are they going to find in the cave?

I am looking forward to reading more of your story.

Jack

Hi Jack

I was wondering if you could describe how the bats might be hanging from the roof of the cave or near the opening of the cave.
I'm looking forward to hearing more about your story.

Hayley

Hi Hayley

Why did the kingdom have blue curtains around it?
You have also said that Mia's mother asked the unicorn to fix the spell and they said that "instead of dieing you will turn into a merunicorn". I think you are meaning Mia will but I am just checking to see if that should be explained more clearly.

I am looking forward to seeing how Mia uses her new powers.

Sarah Jane

Hi Sarah Jane
I like the way you have told your story about Snow White and made some very cool changes. I was wondering what happened to the Queen when Snow White woke up? Also why did the dwarf give Snow White the strawberry?

I can't wait for more of your story changes.

Cairo

Hi Cairo

I like the way you have got your castle guarded with soldiers. I wonder what the castle looks like and where on the island it is. Can the Prince, King and Queen see out over the ocean. Are they watching out for someone to come to their island or are they expecting something to happen because they have soldiers?
I am looking forward to reading more.

Slade

Hi there Slade

I have been waiting to read some more of your story. I am beginning to picture you father bird and am wondering what he is going to do to be the main character. I am wondering what is going to happen next.

Kataeya

Hi Kataeya

I was reading your story and am looking forward to reading more. Why must Rosanna die? What does the setting of the witch's house look like?

Starsha

Gosh Starsha
You have written a lot. I like the way you have used some very descriptive words to describe the evil stepmother and I think I can see where your story is heading but I'm a bit confused about the start. It seems to jump around a bit and I'm not sure why you have the spooky forest in Hamilton then everything moves to New Plymouth. I wondered if you could have explained how they had heard about this other mountain that sounds magical and a lovely place to live.

What do you think?

Vanessa

Wow Vanessa
I really like the way you have described the evil wicked witch and where she lives.
I am really looking forward to seeing what evil things she has planned for the King, Queen and their pretty little twin babies.

Deon

Hi Deon

I like the way you have described where the ship has to go to get to the island. I am wondering what is going to happen and can't wait to hear more. What was Tia the Kea wearing to look like a captain of a ship?

Aidan

Hi Aidan

I am beginning to see what your story is about. It sounds a bit like The Pirates of the Caribbean. I was wondering why and how the Wicked Witch made the boat that Tia was on not go to the island. Was the Witch trying to protect that boat or was she one of the pirates watching over the treasure waiting for the rest of the pirates.
I am looking forward to seeing how you explain it a bit more. You have me hooked.

Oliver

Hello Oliver
It was cool how you wrote about the birds and the insects. I wonder why you thought that the castle was fancy? J F

Cairo

I enjoyed reading your descriptions of people. Could you tell me what the castle looked like? J F

Haley

Hi Haley.
I can't wait to read your next piece of work, I have been checking to see if it is up yet. I am really keen to see what happens with your characters and who the wicked person or persons are. I wonder is that seaweed still smelling like roses? I wonder too if the jewels are still safe? I think I will also take another look at those shops when I am next in Wellington, I am a bit worried about the ground holes under them now.
AC

Slade

Hi Slade, I really liked your first sentence about the water being like oil. Great idea. Check your next sentence, did you miss a word out? I wonder what father bird is going to do? Is there anyone else in father birds family?
mk

Hayley

Hi hayley what a great start to your story looking forward to more. Do the unicorns live on a big rock or do they turn into MERUNICORNS keep up the good work!!!

Aidan

Hi Aidan
I really liked the way you began your story by starting to describe the spooky island. I haven't got a picture of this spooky island yet. Could you describe it more what is on the island that makes it so spooky.

Deon

Hi Deon
I really liked the way you have explained how the ships can only get to the island from one spot. i wonder if this will be important for your story. I wonder what Tia the Kea looked like as a disguised captain. Can you explain more.

Slade

I liked the way you said the water was as flat as oil and how you explained that a bird gets sea sick. How strange. I am wondering now what the birds are going to do to make your story exciting.

Cairo

I really like the beginning of your story. i can picture the castle with the soldiers guarding it. i can't wait to hear more about the story.

Jack

I liked the way you have begun to describe your cave as your setting. I wondered if the bats might be guarding the bones or maybe there is something else in the cave up in the mountains.

Jared

I liked the way you have described your spooky cave. It sounded like that was going to be the main setting in your story. But I'm a bit confused now about dead town and why you are in the story. What is your character?

Jean Paul

I really liked the way you began to describe the king. I a bit confused about how the castle is an enormous mountain and what might the castle have to do with the animals and mountain setting. Could you please tell us more about this.

Kaleb Lee

I liked the way you have begun to describe your vicious spooky forest. I wonder what the trees and plants would look like to make it so vicious and spooky. How come the little bird lives in nice land but you were talking about the spooky forest. Is that where the little bird will go because of the mean little girl? Why did the mean little girl chop down all of the trees?

Liam

Wow Liam I can see the cave you are describing and I can hear the bats wings echoing. What a good description. I alos liked the way you said the treasure was glittering in the cave. I can see the bad guys are going to get the treasure but how did they know where to go and who is it that saw them. Could you tell me more about who the good characters are.

Matthew

I like the way you have told us how friendly the bird Tia is. I can't picture in my head yet though. Could you describe her more.
I wonder what is going to happen next.

Nevyn

Gosh you have a lot of characters in your story. I am getting scared just reading about the cave - it sounds really creepy. I am wondering what might happen next. because I don't know which characters to follow. Would it be easier to pick one or two main characters to help you with your story plan.
I am looking foward to reading more.

Oliver

I like the way you have described your setting.I can see the branches like hands cool.
I am getting worried for Snow White because the queen doesn;t sound very nice.
I wonder what is going to happen next.

Royce

Hi Royce
I liked the way you have explained how to get to the Penguins kingdom.
I'm a bit confused about why the penguins slap people because they don't bring toys. Are the penguins your evil characters or are the people.
Can you explain your characters a bit more for me to understand your story.
Thanks

Abbey

Hi Abbey
I liked how you have described the trees that have fingers that grab people .. spooky. I really liked the way you also described the kea who is the hero.
I am a bit confused about why Ugly Lake wants to kill Sleeping Snow. Can you explain more about that for me. Also could you describe those two characters more so that I can picture them in my head.
Thanks

Haley

I liked the way you have changed parts of your first piece of writing. I can now really picture your sea castle. I love the way you say it smells like roses because it makes me think of the sweet smell of roses and not salty seaweed.
I sounds like Melisha is a very lucky mermaid who has some good friends.
I can't wait to read some more.

Natalia

I liked the way you have described your cottage I can really see the vines and smell the pine around it.
I was wondering if the scientist is a bit like a wicked witch. Is he your evil character or good one. I look forward to reading more.

Allure

Wow you have a lot of things happening already in your story. I can picture all of those yummy vegetables in the garden growing so big.
I'm a bit confused about why the dragon looked ill because he didn't have his hat. Can you explain it in a way that I can understand that part of your story. Thanks

Ashton

Hi Ashton
I like the way you have described the pink forest and the lake for the rainbow fish in the forest. I am beginning to picture the unicorn running through the forest. I am also getting worried about what might happen in the spikey grey castle if the unicorn and rainbow fish go there.
Very exciting - I can't wait to read more.

Hana

I really like the sound of Magic. She sounds very mystical.
I am looking forward to reading more of your story.

Hayley

Wow you really know how to make someone look really beautiful. Mia sounds lovely.
I was wondering why the king and queen are unicorns and how do they live in the water or on mermaid rock. Can you tell me more.
Thanks

Kataeya

Hi Kataeya
I liked the way you have talked about the which. I was wondering what does she look like and what is she making her potions in?

Sarah Jane

I like the way you have described your forest. I can see how the branches might look like hands - very cool. I can also see the streamers across the queens room.
I can't wait to see what the queen is going to do next.

Starsha

Hi Starsha
I like some of your story where you are describing the forest especially the bit about 'chill through their bodies'. I can almost feel that chill.
I got a bit confused though because you talk about a step-mother and I don't know whose step-mother she is. Is it your main characters step mother (who is the main character?).
I am looking forward to your next set of changes in your story.

Vanessa

I liked the way you have made some changes to describe the kingdom and your evil witch character. I am looking forward to seeing how you bring in what the evil witch is going to do and who she might be horrible to.

Nevyn Tamaki Rangitonga

Hi babe,

Cant wait to read your findings on Fairy Tales
M.N.T.

Hi Slade

Hey bud, I was trying to read your story but mum must be missing a program because I could't open your file. I will have to check in with Mrs Mitchell to tell me what to do on another day. looking forward to seeing your story!
MK

Aidan

Hi Aidan

I was really looking forward to reading your fairy tale that you had written, but you had not finished it. I can't wait to read the finished product.

Have a nice day.
Mum (CP)

Haley

Hi Haley ...
I love the start of your story about the underwater kingdom of Wellington. I was most impressed with all the characters, colours and smells. I have never seen a rainbow shark ... but I guess I'll have to go to Wellington and check them out. I am not sure that I understand about the Steel Grey castle that looks like seaweed? Looking forward to reading some more about Tia, Liam, Melisha and friends.
Love Aunty Jo

Writing Naratives introduction

Welcome.
Please give children suggestions about what they might be able to add to make the setting more interesting or easy to visualise.The children would appreciate it if you could be quite specific, so that they can reflect on your suggestions.The more feedback the students get the easier it will be for them to make changes in their work.
Please put the name of the child in the title and your initials at the end of your comment.
If you are unable to read the 'pdf' file below the child's name, you may need to download Adobe first. click on the word Adobe to go to the website.
How can you help with their writing?

We are focusing on writing a descriptive setting.
read it and try to visualise the setting.

Comments: Give a positive commentMake a suggestion
"I like the way you have described the ..., I can see ..""Could you explain a bit more about ..." Or " I'd like to see, feel or hear more about what the setting (be specific)